reflections on professionals' grief

The phrase ‘reflective room’ takes me back to a scene from the movie “Conan the barbarian”, where Conan, pursuing an evil wizard in his magic castle, enters a room whose walls are dressed in mirrors. Unevenly distributed, large slices of glass create some sort of a diamond effect. So, when Conan is standing in the center of the room, he is surrounded by a multitude of him-selves. But the wizard lurks behind one of the mirrors, and attacks Conan. A brutal fight follows; Conan defeats the wizard by smashing the mirrors with his sword, one by one.

I appreciate that there is more than one way to interpret the above story in the context of this forum’s topic. But I can only speak for myself- and that is how losing people I have worked with to suicide makes me feel. I am fighting against “unseen evil forces” that lurk behind mirrors that reflect me.
The “unseen forces” stand for what is beyond my reach. Things like reading someone’s mind, or helping them find the will to live, or stopping them from killing themselves. The only way for me to prevent these forces from taking over, is to smash each mirror; I have to destroy each ‘expectation’ I might have from working with that person. For instance; that my interventions can help them achieve a better quality of life, that our minds sometimes think alike, or that they listen to every word I say. My own plans are not necessarily theirs. Am I blinded by an ego that wishes for a happy ending?

Whatever the case, the room is heavy with a sense of dread. Every time a person I have worked with dies to suicide, I find myself in Conan’s ‘hall of mirrors’. Each mirror that lays scattered on the floor accounts for a lost life, and each of the remaining ones stands for lives yet to be lost.

I’m staying alert.

Thank you for sharing.

You’ve highlighted the importance of this forum in sharing a reflection that one may not have considered before. But I can also resonate with the feeling of working against unseen forces. For me that means, working with only what they choose to share and attempting to ‘mind read’ to fill in the blanks.

I was recommended the book ‘Working in the Dark’ by Donald Campbell and Rob Hale in a reflective practice session when talking about these experiences. It’s a book aimed to help clinicians understand the pre-suicide state of mind through clinical vignettes, case studies and perspectives of professionals.
Perhaps this may help professions to accept, and gain more of an understanding, of how our plans can never truly be theirs.